It’s a good day so far, we are having a house warming party tonight and got some people invited over. I am not sure how many people were coming so it was difficult figuring what foods to get.

I haven’t been blogging in some days because I have been busy.

In other news: Bernie Mac died I am so deeply saddened by this. I was in shock. I had to ‘wiki’ right away. He died of pneumonia. Crazy how life is.

Also, talking about bizarre… my ex drunk dialed me. It was very awkward.. since I was absolutely sober…
I kept asking him what he wanted and of course he blamed me for the breakup and such. Maybe he just missed me or was bored? Then he got into a rant about Caribbean women – *sigh* and how to stay out of Manhattan because he is seeing a girl on Friday and doesn’t want to bump into me lololololololololololol <--- wow. Maybe he is finally realizing the type of women he is likely to meet in NYC.

Lord, please help me choose the right person for me next time I feel the need to date…

Anyway, I have a photoshoot today! My friend Chip’s doing it. Woohhoo! New photos soon.

I poured tears tonight for my brother. I knew it was bound to catch up to me. I’ve just been so absorbed into work and moving that I just numbed myself but the only emptiness I feel is for him. Even my mom’s status has that it gets harder everyday. She has to be feeling it a lot more than me because she had the last year, months, days of his life living with her.  I want to go back on his birthday but I think I would simply want the day off to reflect. I wonder if the events occuring right now is him being an angel looking out for me.  This has been the most challenging year of my life. Mourning isn’t easy at all.

The tattoo drawn by my brother that I mentioned in a previous post.

To my Best Friend I will Never Forget

R. I. P. My boy Gilbert.
I missed all the times we share
Knowing you would be there
Everytime something went wrong
You were always there
But now all I could say is “GoodBye”
Missing you so much
Knowing it would rain
And so many tears to share

From: Pampaz
To My Best Friend
R. I. P. Gilbert Thomas

Pampaz & Calton Best Friends
Rest in Peace Gilbert Thomas

——————–

I decided to share something written for my brother by his best friends. His girlfriend of 5 years is taking it pretty hard also – I seriously didn’t know he had a gf for that long.

Sad news, I may have to head back to NY as I intended. I will be missing the funeral. That decision was difficult because it was a catch22. I don’t think it’s fair in any way but I intend to try to correct it by visiting the place where he will be buried and purchasing flowers for the grave site. Also, I removed the fund because we came to the conclusion that whatever is donated can be sent directly to the “father,” (placed in quotes for a reason. I created a password protected post about it you will have to email me/leave a comment for the password. Basically I wrote about some family members and things that they said that hurt my feelings in this past week. I guess no one really writes books about the correct things to say during a mourning period amongst family. What sucked most about it was that NONE of those who told me those hurtful things have spoke to my brother in the past 2 years +).
Anyway, I still intend to create a scholarship in my brother’s name as soon as I make enough. These problems just motivate me to do better. I think my current family of my mom, sis and I deserve a better life than what once was. I wish my brother had lived long enough to experience that. We had just finally gotten things together with him included, now that he isn’t here anymore it does hurt.

This is a photo of my sister, brother and me.

This was taken by my mother when she visited Dominica. We had just came from church.

I am still trying to deal with the fact that he isn’t here.  I wondered today whether there would be days when I will stop crying altogether. Writing about him or remembering him brings tears to my eyes. The other day, I found the dice in between the curtains I am still curious to how he got his nickname.

I don’t even think that his girlfriend knows that he died because we don’t have her number.  It’s almost like you have to try to complete things that aren’t completed or connect things.

By the way, I can only discuss certain things with specific people so I think people who are curious about what happened shouldn’t call me now when we haven’t even buried or received his body as yet. I think it’s rude(you know who you all are). I thought it was very disrespectful that I am not even back in NYC as yet and I am getting calls to discuss my family’s business. :-/

I am up at until 2AM once again. I spoke to Alex(my bf) tonight again and told him what was going on. I can’t discuss it on my blog sadly so the only person that I trust to confide in is my boyfriend. I really wish the world knew everything or I could scream it out or something because it’s truly painful. It makes me more committed to starting the scholarship in my brother’s name. Alex told me that it can be my lifetime goal and that I do not need to rush.

However today, I heard even more bad news. I can’t express how unfair it is. I cant even discuss those either.

I did get to catch up with people today who have influenced a great deal of my life. Everyone gave their condolences.

I am thankful to everyone who tried to ease our pains and gave us support. My family and I truly appreciate all of this. We honestly do not know what we would do without the love from our friends and other family members – or even other people who reached out to us because they know how much it hurts to lose someone so young as a sibling or child. We appreciate all of you.

On my way here I wondered where Gilbert was. Is he in the clouds? I am on the island of St. Croix, I wish it was for vacation. I didn’t cry on the way here even if I did have some moments when I wanted to. I never really liked coming back to St. Croix for longer than a week. It’s just not the place that I can call home. I surely didn’t regret living here but I don’t ever want to end up living here again, no offense to the cruzans – they are nice. I just have terrible memories here, and this has added another.

I am sleeping in his room tonight. I saw the book that he was reading and I will finish it for him. It’s a book by Daniel Kalla. His scent is still in the room. My sister is too scared to sleep in there. Well, I heard that when people die, they just move on so if spirits talk – it isn’t my brother. I guess it’s kind of weird that I dont seem into religion anymore and that is affecting my grievance. I did ask people to pray, maybe I need to pray also? Tomorrow I will be looking through some of his things, things that he always kept private.

In his room, there’s also an obituary of a friend of his that passed away, he was only 17 (why are all the young men dying?). He plastered it against the wall. Some of his friends will be over tomorrow so we can reflect on his life.

I will keep things posted. I am still not sure if I should post the name of the guy who killed him here.